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Do you ever find yourself having a conversation with someone who is patiently explaining why something can’t be done, or something has to be done a particular way? This explanation often involves some unnecessarily complicated workaround, and all the while seems to be skirting around a central issue that has some sort of protective forcefield around it. And then you ask the obvious question:
“Have you asked?”
“Well, no, but they probably won’t agree.” Or perhaps: “We can’t change that.”
“Why not?”
“That’s just how the system works.”
“Have you checked?”
“Well, no, but…”
I encounter versions of this surprisingly - frustratingly - often. Smart and capable people will make assumptions about what another person will say, what a customer wants, what a system allows, or what the rules require, and then they organise their work around those assumptions. And if they had 'just asked' a question, things could have been much simpler.
So, why don't people 'just ask'?
There are many reasons why people are reluctant to 'just ask'. Asking carries a small interpersonal risk because we might look as though we don’t know something, or we may feel that we will inconvenience someone. Perhaps we might challenge an established practice and have to endure the pushback, or someone might think our question is silly. And, of course, they might say NO.
None of these is a situation people want to bring upon themselves and so instead, they anticipate an answer: the boss won’t agree, finance won’t approve it, the customer won’t want that, IT can’t change it, or we’re not allowed to do that. The longer we allow these unspoken answers to persist, the more real they become - both in our individual minds, and in the collective culture. The key thing is that sometimes the person saying 'no' to our request is us, and that is before the other person has even heard the question.
If you are in a management / leadership position, this is worth being on the lookout for. Listen for phrases such as: 'we can’t…', 'they won’t…', 'we’re not allowed…', 'they need…', 'It has to…' etc. Of course, these statements can sometimes be absolutely correct, and there may be a genuine technical, commercial, regulatory, or practical constraint.
But sometimes, nobody has actually checked, and that assumption causes people to start building workarounds around an assumed constraint. The workaround becomes normal practice, then normal practice becomes process, and eventually, someone writes it into a procedure. And before you know it, a false assumption has become part of the company's operating system.
So, whenever you hear one of those phrases, just ask: 'do we know that for sure, or are we just assuming it?'
People often avoid asking because they don’t want to create an awkward or confrontational conversation. And yet when they finally do ask, they frame the question as: 'why can’t we…?'
Compare that with asking 'can we…?' They may be seeking exactly the same information, but they open quite different conversations, thought patterns, and reactions. 'Why can’t we?' begins with an assumption that we can’t, and can easily sound like a demand for someone to justify the obstruction. Whereas 'can we?' begins with possibility.
A great follow up might be: 'what would need to happen (need to be true) for us to…?' The way people ask questions - and the way you respond - isn’t about clever wording but about approaching the conversation with genuine curiosity rather than arriving with the answer already determined, and so setting up the conversation for progress.
A lament I hear from many leaders or managers is: 'why on earth didn’t they just ask me?' And that is a good question. People learn remarkably quickly whether questions are welcomed. If questions are routinely brushed aside, interpreted as complaints, treated as challenges, or met with 'because that’s the way we do it', people gradually stop asking them. And that doesn’t require a bad manager, or an unhealthy organisation; even good managers are busy, miss things, and occasionally send signals they didn’t intend.
However, while we do want to encourage people to 'just ask' and be more comfortable with asking - especially when it may lead to an improvement in process or service - we don't want to go to the other extreme and create a permission culture in which every decision gets pushed upwards. Interestingly, if this starts to happen, it can have the same root cause as not asking questions at all. Asking a question is a small act of agency and involves testing the environment, seeking information, and discovering what is actually possible. The response can help people understand the real boundaries, while also helping them develop a better sense of the value of their own thinking. And while a good leader should try to anticipate what people need and remove unnecessary barriers, no leader can see everything. And so sometimes a question from a team member is enormously helpful - it may counter a blind spot. You may not have known something needed attention - now you do.
There is potentially a lot of organisational friction hidden in things that everybody 'just knows' but nobody has checked. Most people are good at seeing issues in the bits of process they are involved in, and often they have ideas about possible solutions. Cultural norms often prevent those insights from being aired.
But just encouraging everyone to 'just ask' won't cut it, especially if they have learned not to 'just ask'. Instead, you may need to encourage a conversation first. You may need to ask the first question: 'what challenges are you having?' 'what opportunities are you seeing for improvement / changes', etc. Then 'what ideas do you have about that?' Then perhaps 'what would need to be true for us to implement that?'
So, just ask - and be prepared to be asked. You might be surprised.
Ad Futurum
Graham